Worries

I think inherited my skill for worrying from my mum. She worries all the time; always has. She was the mum that never let my sister and me ride our bikes out of the driveway until we were at least 12. I'm sure our propensity for getting hurt didn't help (she's busted her knees more than a few times, and I did unintentionally defenestrate myself when I was 5 or 6). Regardless of why mum worries all the time, its definately something I learned from her, the same way I gained my outward emotional range of a tablespoon from dad.

The worrying combined with the tablespoon is sometimes problematic. I tend to read as an escape method, rather than actually dealing with the emotions. Sometimes though, I just need to get the thoughts out of my head; just so I can sleep at night. My lists are beginning to get to me. Anyone who knows me even a little, knows just how much I love to make lists--it's strange, I get that, but I've always liked a well organized list, even when I know I can't possibly stick to it. My lists lately have gotten obnoxious in length, and its starting to get me panicky.

School is getting to me. I have absolutely no idea where my head is at, but I can't concentrate on any of the material outside of class. I love sitting through class, taking it all in, because I really have always enjoyed learning. It just seems that in the last year or so, I've lost the drive to muddle through all the readings and papers in order to keep up with the learning in class. I just wish I could get the drive back. I used to be able to blow out a 10-page paper in under 2 hours. Now, I can't focus long enough to write a couple of pages. What the hell happened?

Job hunting is daunting. I've always hated doing it (which explains my short short list of prior employment). I've found a couple of places that sound good, but I have no idea where to begin. I need to go over my resume again, write cover letters--which I haven't done in years. I'm not sure how to go about applying for a job without knowing if I'll be able to find an apartment close enough. Except, how do you get an apartment close enough, without a job to pay the rent? It's frustrating.

I really need to just refocus and relax. Unfortunately, knowing what I need to do, and actually being capable of doing so, are two very different things right now.